Missing You Always

been missing lately.

2011-10-31T07:55:00.000-07:00

I know its been awhile since ive posted on here. please forgive me.

a little warning though, the following will more then likely contain cussing of some sort, as well as mentions of rainbow babies. so if you are sensative to either, you may not want to read.

I have been MIA lately, between taking care of Rowan, another high risk pregnancy, and really just not being able to find the right words.
thats not to say that I havent been missing jordan though, bc I do, so very much, every second of every day.

I have been thinking alot lately, how my views on losing Jordan has changed so dramatically since the very beginning. I remember the first few days, weeks and months, constantly hearing the "everything happens for a reason" BULLSHIT.
from my husband (at the time),his family, my family, random people "looking in" who liked to think they knew the answers to everything even though they didnt have the slightest idea how it actually FELT to lose a child.
I had so many people saying it to me, and while I didnt BELIEVE it, I tried to. I tried to find reasonings why he was gone.. "well MAYBEEEE it was because "GOD" didnt want me to have Jordan with jesse (husband at the time)" is what my mother would say
yes.. my ex husband was an ass to me... yes.. we had an AWEFUL relationship EXPECIALLY after finding out I was pregnant (he didnt want to have kids with me...well guess he got his wish in a sense) but really?! my child died bc my relationship sucked?
yeah fuck that excuse or reasoning. there are thousands, maybe even millions of women who are having kid after kid, whose sperm donors are bigger peices of shit then my ex husband ever was, or could be. BUT MY SON had to die bc my relationship wasnt perfect?!?!

okay.. now you see why I feel differently now.
bc thats the biggest crock of shit ive ever heard... but really its just the beginning of a bunch of other bullshit reasonings as to why others believe my son isnt here.
the rest, I dont even want to get in to.

NO "REASON" will ever be good enough.

here it is two years later. I have a beautiful rainbow boy who turns one in december. and a little girl due in december as well. So.. that HAS to mean im cured now... right?!
yeah fuck off if you think that because it isnt even the slightest bit true.

I recently recieved a messege from an "old friend" if you want to call her that. (the old friend whose boyfriend called me yelling at me, calling me morbid and sick just hours after I gave birth and watched my son die in my arms.. all bc I accidentally sent HER a picture of Jordan, when it was supposed to go to my cousin)
but anyways.. this messege went on to say how much she LOVED me, Always will, always had, (ya know, blah blah bullshit bullshit kinda stuff) but that I needed to "STOP LIVING IN THE PAST" and that I would never be able to fully dedicate myself to my children that are alive, until I put my DEAD sons "sweet sweet" memory in the past.
(lets add the sweet sweet, or precious or beautiful or whatever pathetic words she threw in there to sound like less of a bitch) basicly telling me to FORGET him, but then when I pointed that fact out... she gets pissed and says she never told me to forget him? (what part of what I just wrote doesnt suggest that?)

she apparently reads my blog too... ( waves!! HIIII)

I wont go into any more depth of the messege, other then the fact that I lost it, started bawling bc I was so fucking pissed off and hurt yet again by this."person" who USED to mean so much to me.

this is just a memo, to No one person in particular.. just ANYONE who thinks I should be "over" the loss of my son.. or I should stop thinking about him, talking about him ect ect..

I may have one beautiful son who is alive in my arms, and a beautiful little girl in my womb.. I love them more then words can say. I cherish them more then you could ever fathom... but they DO NOT take the place of Jordan. nor will they ever
I didnt lose a fucking PUPPY, or a set of keys. I lost a child.

If you have kids,, lets chose one of yours to die.. speed up time to two years down the road. and please tell me your fucking over it. ( yeah thats what I thought)

if you dont have kids, have never been pregnant, or even know what its like to love a child more then yourself, more then anything on this earth.. then please spare me the bullshit talk where you think you know whats best for me and my kids.
bc until you have a child of your own, you will never know or understand the love I have for my children (LIVING or DEAD)

to those who remember my baby boy jordan with me.. thank you.
to those of you who love ALL of my babies.. thank you

Sharing Rowan..

2011-01-22T14:55:00.000-08:00

::warning rainbow baby pictured and mentioned::

I just had to share Jordans little brother, and post a picture of them both

and here is little brother!

they have the same nose =)

::Triggers::

2011-01-07T10:45:00.001-08:00

I have been neglecting blogging terribly, but its hard for me to put anything into words anymore.

Dear Jordan,

CONGRATS BIG BOY!! you are officially a big brother!! I think you had a thing or two to do with getting your brother here,there were so many close calls where I almost lost him, but didnt. thank you big boy. Dont think for a minute that you are being replaced, or that my love for you has changed, because it hasnt. not in the slightest. Ur brothers daddy and I were driving in the car the day I got discharged from the hospital, and mommy heard a song that reminded her of you, and I couldnt keep the tears from flowing. I will always miss you and love you. you will always be mommys first born, and first baby boy. Others may have forgotten, but I havent. I keep looking at your little brother wondering if you would have looked similar, you both had the same nose I know that =) which makes me smile. I wish more then anything that you were here with us sharing the excitement of this new life. I miss you and love you more then I can say.

<3 Mommy and Rowan love you Jordan, so very much

::triggers:: We made it

2010-11-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

I dont like to mention my rainbow pregnancy on here often, BUT I realized one of my last posts was asking for prayers for us, that we made it to 30 weeks. I just wanted to write an update letting those who kept us in your prayers that me and little man have made it to and passed 30 weeks!! passed by only 2 or 3 days! but 2 or 3 days passed 30 weeks non the less =P
he is doing fine and so am I! I am praying it all continues to go well.
I am starting to get VERY anxious

The beauty of sufficient grace giveaway

2010-10-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2010/10/huge-my-forever-child-giveaway.html
go ahead and head on over and enter for a chance to win one of many of her beautiful give aways.

PRAY FOR ROWAN AND I

2010-10-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

i try not to talk about my rainbow here as much as possible but today i am bc we need the extra prayers. i got a emergency cerclage at 20 weeks, ill be 25 weeks friday. today i had a drs appt and my cervix is funneling close to the stitch, and i had to star steroid shots to help mature rowans lungs. my dr doesnt see me making it further then 30weeks its our major goal im just praying i at least make it that far.

rowan has so much love from so many already.

i have to bring my baby boy home

Day 11

2010-10-11T16:10:00.001-07:00

A photo of me recently and how I feel about seeing it now ~

This is me about a month ago, in the hospital, pregnant with my rainbow. During this time, I was on the computer reading the hundreds of comments of support from my BLMS, Ann in particular making a photo, that everyone used as their default, and she kept updating everyone on my progress, feeling the love everyone has for rowan was wonderful. but at the same time I was a nervous wreck, in this picture it was after I had an emergency cerclage placed, I was sore, I was scared.

Looking at this picture today, I feel thankful. Had I not gone in that day, I would not be almost 25 weeks pregnant with my rainbow. I would have lost him too. I feel like my baby boy Jordan was letting me know I needed to go to the hospital, looking back on why I went in, my cramps were really not that bad, at all!! but something told me something was wrong. so I went in, when my bf and I got to the hospital, we got right in front of the door, and I told him we needed to turn around, I had a drs appt in the morning and I was being silly and over reacting, we turned back around and headed to the car, then I felt like someone was tugging me the other way and I had to go in, thankfully I did, because had that dr not checked my cervix and found how soft it was, I would have went to my next appt, and been sent home with no cerclage because my cervix was still measuring right on track when I got the cerclage, but the fact was how soft my cervix was which was a concern. So I look at this picture now with a smile. and Am so very thankful for the 5 days I was in the hospital, as I now have hope to bring home my 2nd boy =) my rainbow, Rowan.

30 posts in 30 days catching up

2010-10-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

Im late, but I had to find all the questions n such, so heres to catching up!

Day 1- a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why
There are so many songs that remind me of Jordan, But one in particular would be Godspeed by the dixie chicks, just everything about this song has me in tears, "Godspeed little man, sweet dreams little man, oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings" those words right there are enough to explain why =)

Day 2- a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss

I honestly dont think there are any movies out there that have helped me in any way, if anything there are more movies that have triggered my grief rather then help.

Day 3- a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you

Well scrubs, jersey shore,sister wives,pawn stars and any tv show i watch on a regular basis always makes me happy when its on.

Day 4- your favorite book, has it changed since your loss?

Im lame but I dont read often!! hah if I could chose one book it would be twilight, the last book, because it is really the only book I can remember reading in the past few years.

Day 5- Your favorite quote

"an angel in the book of life wrote down our childs birth, and whispered as she closed the book too beautiful for earth" I saw this quote a few days after losing Jordan and it was perfect. so Perfect I had to get the quote tattooed on my forearm

Day 6- 20 things that calm you

1. Rowan kicking/moving
2. listening to music
3. making pictures for other BLMS in memory of their babies
4. shopping
5. taking a nap
6. crying it out
7. writing
8. going for a walk (when Im not on bedrest)
9. just sitting on the back porch at night time when there are tons of stars out
10. eating
11. taking pictures
12. talking with close friends
13. cuddling and watching tv with the bf
14. scrubs
15. hanging out at home in PJS beign lazy
16. helping others, and being there for others when they need someone
17. having the cat locked in a DIFFERENT ROOM
18. knowing how much better my life is after divorce (ASIDE FROM LOSING JORDAN)
19. drawing
20. painting

Day 7- a photo that makes you happy

This is Jordan when I was 12 weeks and 3 days, I remember this u/s so clearly like it was yesterday, it was my favorite. my x husband was so mad at me, we were having so many problems, but when we both saw Jordan on this day, this u/s all of our problems went away and we were overwhelmed with happiness, he was so beautiful, everything was so clear

Day 8- a photo that makes you angry/sad

this picture makes me both sad and angry. this was taken the first day I got to see my ex husband in...3 months after getting married, this was at his basic training graduation. it makes me sad thinking back at how in love with him I was, and how great things were in the beginning. it makes me mad because of everything he did to me, and how things ended.

Day 9- a photo you took since your loss

this was just a few weeks after losing Jordan, I was taking a picture of his memorial tattoo. I was also trying to get dressed up and make myself look pretty, bc my x husband left me, and we were still living together, so I wanted him to regret it, didnt work

Day 10- a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

me when I was only 1-3 years old. not sure. this has always been one of my favorite pictures. I was sooo sad bc I couldnt go out and play... if only I would have known that would be the least of my worries when I turned 19

Cant help but feel ::Triggers::

2010-09-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Like Im always hurting someone. ::Rainbow mentioned::
Now I know all of my friends are at different stages in their grief.. some can hear about rainbows and pregnancies with no problem, others it breaks their heart, which I understand because I have been there. I still get jelous hearing about pregnancies often because I wonder if Im goign to lose rowan too, and they will be the ones bringing their babies home.
the majority of my friends on Facebook are BLMS, and I know quite a few are new in this aweful journey.
I do mention Rowan alot. I dont do it with the intentions of hurting anyone, but I also dont want to not talk about whats on my mind. I have talked to a few BLMS who hate hearing about pregnancies and I tell each one that if they dont want to hear about Rowan to tell me and I will hide them from my status updates.
I am already doing this with one BLM, and I dont mind doing it with others, but I also cant hide it from 50 people at a time

=( I feel at a loss. I dont want to hurt anyone.

I do feel as though lately my relationship with some BLMS have drifted. I dont talk to anyone as much.
I think I just kinda keep to myself. I dont know what to do or say.. I read and check up on everyone, and I love everyone dearly. but I have been keeping to myself.. i dont know why I have been.

I have been in such a rut lately. and I keep to myself about it for the most part

Still grieving and Missing my Jordan more and more.
and at the same time a nervous wreck about rowan.
constantly scared I will lose him any day.

I try not to write about rowan on here as much as possible, but sometimes when my posts are mixed I just dont know where to write, most of the time Ill give up and not write at all, but I just need to get things off my chest

rainbow blog

2010-09-26T12:40:00.001-07:00

to those who would like to follow

http://thebeautyinarainbow.blogspot.com/

missing my little man today

2010-09-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

so very very much.

I miss him everyday

dejavu rainbow mentioned

2010-09-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

i was admitted to l&d last night went in for cramping the dr checked my cervix and while its not dialated its too soft. so here i am...again. another pregnancy close to the same gestation..
praying i get a cerclage and my baby boy stays put =(
i need prayers

Do I have a target on me today?::pregnancy mentioned::

2010-09-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

If so could someone please point this target for me, so I can take it off? I dont have it in me to be getting such insensative comments today. I am STILL grieving the loss of my son, even though yes, I have another boy on the way. but being pregnant again doesnt mean I forget my son

"arent you excited for the new one to come into the world?"- insensative old friend (male)

yes I am so excited to be pregnant again, but I still miss and love jordan and want him home, and just because I am pregnant again, doesnt mean I am garenteed to have a perfect healthy baby in another 5 months. =(

and then " I didnt say to forget at all, I just mean.. overcome and go on in life you know?"- same guy

I will never move on from losing my son, it is not something that I can get over!!
there is no time limit, and how dare someone expect me to have one.

im sick of people today!!! I am so happy to have my BLMS there to stick up for me. I think that guy has 3 more assholes now.

ugh

I want to cry today

and tonight.. im numb (triggers)

2010-09-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

(anyone uncomfortable hearing about rainbow babies, then you may not want to read this post)

I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel lonely.
I just want to break down crying.. but cant.
I miss him. so much.
I long to hold him so badly.

I looked at his pictures today, REALLY LOOKED at his pictures today, and I cried.
how did I create something so perfect? something so beautiful?
my whole life seems like a bad dream. I lost my son, I lost my husband.
I have a beautiful baby boy growing inside of me right now, but It doesnt make losing jordan any different. I wish I had my 1 year old here with me now, AND was pregnant with Rowan too. I dont regret rowan, and am so thankful to have him doing flips in my stomach as we speak.. but I want my perfect first born son too.
I want them both.

I feel like im alone in all of this right now, and I dont know why, I have plenty of friends including many BLMS who always say they are there to talk to, and I love them all with all of my heart <3
but I dont feel like I can run to anyone and just pour my heart out.
I dont feel like I have a CLOSE CLOSE bond with anyone at this point, maybe its all in my head, and maybe me trying to talk about rowan and mention him so much makes it seem like I dont grieve over my son anymore, which isnt the case. I guess I think if I act happy go lucky all the time and worry free, It will happen, but I know thats just not how things work.

I have been talking to my bf recently happily about rowan and things I want to do for him, ect ect... there have been several times where i have called him Jordan and not even realized it until my bf mentions it =(

tonight... I just dont know what to do

A video I made.. WE ARE PARENTS.

2010-09-06T11:24:00.001-07:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

even if your angel is not pictured. it is in memory of ALL of our angels

PLEASE READ

2010-09-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I am going to be working on a video for all of my baby lost mommys. in memory of each and every one of their babies. , I was wondering if anyone would want their baby/child to be included?

if so I would need a picture of your angel, multiple pictures if you have it, and a picture of you, your family, and spouse.

IF you are not comfortable sharing photos of your angel, or if you dont have pictures, pictures that remind you of your angel, with their name, ect.

and a note to your angel.

If you would like me to write your name on the photo or if you would like to so that you know no one will steal it you are welcome to do that as well.

I often make pictures in memory of our angels.. and I would like to move on to a video.

and once the video is done, I will send it to you <3

sigh guilty

2010-09-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

I feel so bad for not writing on here anymore, My jordan never leaves my mind. But I sometimes just feel as if I am at a loss for words.
how many times can I say... I WANT MY BABY BOY BACK?
how many different ways?
I feel like a broken record and I am not good with words.
and although I am on the computer 24/7 I never seem to have the right words..

I love you buddy.

been MIA, but now ready to TAKE ACTION!

2010-08-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

I know I have only come on here and updated a few times. But I need to regroup and get back into the swing of things.

I think I have been MIA and more researved lately because of rainbows dad and his family. they think im crazy and that I should not have custody of rainbow because of depression and anxiety. WTF?!?!

for a woman who held her son as he died in her arms, whose husband left her not even a month after their sons death, whose family wouldnt let her move in with them and had to move in with complete strangers and start over with no one and nothing

I think I did pretty damn well

and if anything its going to make me a better mother to rainbow.

I refuse to keep quiet about my son to make others feel better! SCREW THAT and SCREW YOU if you expect that of me!

I miss my son, I love my son, and my son and rainbow will always come before everyone!

I told rainbows dad last night

"Jordan is MY son, whether he is here or not and he will ALWAYS come before YOU"

and he will always, and so will rainbow/goldfish.

no one means more to me then my babies.

even if Jordans not in my arms

and I refuse to keep quiet about my love for my son.

I want to thank ann! alyssa maries mom! for all your doing. you are the main reason I am taking action again, and putting my middle finger in the air to those who judge me.
I love you and your little girl!

well I just need to vent and vent some more

2010-08-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

my bf and i are splitting up again. I decided to give him another chance but a few days after I got home I found a notebook of reasons why he should get custody of ranibow.
a few of his reasons are..

social networking. facebook, AWF, and blogger

and

PREVIOUS DEATH OF CHILD: DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

REALLY?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

you have got to be FUCKING kidding me.

how cruel.

im done.

we talked today and I told him I will always resent him for writing that. and I will never forget it. I told him my son comes before him ALWAYS whether he is dead or alive. and I cant talk to him about my son and he is the most important thing in my life other then rainbow. and I dont want to be with someone i cant talk to about him.

what does he say?

"Well if it makes you feel any better I havent seen my son in 4 years."

WHAAAAAAAT?!?!??!?!?!? NO THAT DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER. ITS YOUR CHOICE YOU HAVENT SEEN YOUR SON. YOU CAN PICK UP A EFFING PHONE AND CALL YOUR SON. OR GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE A FEW DAYS TO SEE HIM!! IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE TO LOSE MY SON. I CANNOT PICK UP A PHONE AND CALL MY SON AND I CERTAINLY CAN NOT JUST GET IN A CAR AND DRIVE A FEW DAYS TO SEE MY SON

im infuriated by that response.

and it is not going to work.

i cant be with someone so insensative.

but you know what?

im ok.

I will be a good mother. alone.

Well I havent wrote on here in awhile

2010-08-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

Because, I seem to be at a loss for words anymore. just the same feelings over and over. I miss my son, I wish he were here. and I want him back today, as badly as I did when I lost him.

but, I also have been having more good days, then bad. Im currently 15.3 weeks pregnant, and focusing everything on rainbow. I will not go into full detail on pregnancy with rainbow here, because this is Jordans spot.
I can now go look at baby things, without being sad (I still have my days where it all upsets me) I am planning and naming and decorating. I dont want to live in fear.
although the fear follows me everywhere

I feel like things are getting easier.
but I still have my days. and I still miss my baby boy more then ever.
every single day

Today...

2010-07-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

was such a bittersweet day.. I try not to talk about my current pregnancy on Jordans Blog, but its kind of a must today.

Today I woke up crying. it has been such a hard and emotional day.
I sat on the computer til it was time to get ready for my doctors apt. I was terrified. as I usually am when it comes to my drs appts. always afraid something will be wrong.
the first thing they did was try to find the heart beat on the hand held doppler and they couldnt find it. I immediatley started bawling. today is NOT the day to find out bad news. the dr assured me it was just to early to find and they would do an ultra sound. that didnt ease my fears at all. finally the dr came in and when she said "if it will stay still" I started bawling again. there was a heartbeat! and a strong one! 171.
I think Jordan knew how worried I was and wanted me to see my baby =) I love you little man.
so it was def a bitter sweet day.

I then released balloons. balloons the same color as the ones we released at his memorial service.

it hasnt been a PERFECT day, this day will never again have the option of being perfect. but seeing my baby and hearing the heartbeat, was the best thing that could possibly happen on this day

Haapy 1st bday Jordan.

2010-07-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

my friend molly is the sweetest person in this world. she made this sweet picture and made cupcakes for my precious Jordan.

I just woke up and am already a bawling mess..

Dear Jordan,
Happy 1st bday in heaven lil man. Oh how mommy wishes you were in my arms instead. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. and I love and miss you more then words can say. Today is going to be a hard day, not having you here. I cant even believe its even been a year. it feels like it happpened just a few months ago.
mommy loves you and misses you.

Tomorrow...Tomorrow

2010-07-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Jordans first bday in heaven. as well as I have a doctors appt.
im okay right now. but Im trying to be because its my bfs bday. tomorrow will be a different story.

i dont have much to say right now

=/

mommy loves and misses you Jordan and Im gonna make you cupcakes

Okay last chances for emails

2010-06-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

because my blog is now officially going private in the next few days

and if you sent me your email before please send it again

i am rather upset that I have to result to doing this.. but someone left me no choice.

Someone i used to somewhat know in texas decided to interfere where she had absolutley no right to interfere. on facebook telling me not to announce to everyone about my relationship problems. which on facebook I DO NOT DO! i may mention being in a bad mood alot but that doesnt automatically mean it was due to my boyfriend.

then she decided to quote things I Wrote on MY blog about our relationship ON MY FACEBOOK!!! telling me that I shouldnt be sharing these things. for 1. I wasnt aware she was reading my blogs and that alone pisses me off.
2. a blog is an online journal where I can bitch and moan, cry and scream, and complain all i want. it is my thoughts, how i FEEL AT THE MOMENT. and if you(girl who started this mess) have a problem with it GO AWAY.
and for her being a BLM as well (which I didnt know) I am absolutley outraged with the things she said to me.

here is our conversation.. and let it be know IAM NOT LOOKING FOR ATTENTION. THIS IS AN ONLINE JOURNAL SO IF I WANT TO BITCH AND MOAN AND COMPLAIN IM GOING TO DO JUST THAT.
and im sharing the coversation because iam pissed to no end and need to get it off my chest

note: yes her initial comment wasnt rude but had taken me off guard. my status on facebook was ::if tim doesnt stop snoring im going to lose my mind::
and she made a comment ---kara, isn't he on your fb? i just know if my boyfriend was constantly writing things about me or how bad our relationship was it would do more harm than good! just be positive :)

my response--Laura, my relationship ISNT bad.so idk what your talking about

me-
I have not wrote about my relationship on my facebook. The only place I have wrote anything about how I feel is on my blog. Is which case is PRIVATE and you have no fucking right to post that on my facebook. Really how dare you?! Our relationship is fine but I'm pregnant and moody and causes fights but NO WHERE have I put that on my facebook or even mentioned our problems. All I said was the snoring was bothering me. You had no right to interfere. Or to say the things you said.

her-
Kara, You did this same shit when you were married. My initial comment wasn't rude, I just said to stay positive. You decided to start in and reply rudely. Having been married and divorced and now in a new relationship I just don't see a reason for you doing so. I've lost a child and I've been pregnant and I've been cheated on and I've been divorced. I've NEVER felt the need to publicly post about it. I know you get hormonal and I know things get rough, but all I said was to be positive. Take it for what its worth, Kara.

me-
All I said was that our relationship wasn't bad I wasn't rude. Tims comment may have been. And yes I did post about my marriage. My marriage was hell there was no fixing it and I had no friends to talk to. And I don't regret it. Yes I post about my problems on my BLOG my blog is PRIVATE and only people ithat have lost a child read it. Not outsiders that I know otherwise. I haven't let anyone read it so you posting it on my fb was unnecessary.I don't complain about my relationship on facebook.. and as far as the losing a child. Have you watched your child die in your arms? Or did you have a miscarriage?(NOT SAYING A MC ISNT PAINFUL) Because unless you watched your child die in your arms you really can't compare our situations.

I would really appreciate you just not responding. I DONT NEED ANYMORE STRESS
My relationship and previos marriage is non of your buisiness. Id appreciate u keeping ur thoughts and comments to yourself

her-Kara, you make shit EVERYONE'S business by posting about it. I know you need attention and shit, but you take it to a whole new level. And to answer your question, yes, I have held my dying child in my arms and yes, it hurt like hell. I don't feel the need, however, to make everyone else a part of my personal grieving. You act as if you've been the only one jaded, the only one to have lost someone, the only one to have a hard time with things, but you're not. Get some friends, talk to them in private. You gravitate the wrong type of attention with how dramatic you are. You are blessed. You are pregnant, you have someone who puts up with you, you don't have to work... count your blessings and shut up. Seriously. You look like a damn idiot with all your fucking drama

me
then why the fuck did you add me on facebook? I share my sons pictures, i talk about him big fucking deal. im not ashamed of that. everyone grieves differently. and i dont post my fucking problems on facebook. go to hell. your a bitch. you need to learn your place. WHICH ISNT IN OTHER PEOPLES LIVES AND PROBLEMS because I DID NOT POST ANYTHING ON FACEBOOK ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP so FUCK OFF THANKS

please if i over reacted people feel free to put me in my place.

I dont feel that I need attention and I feel that everything she said is her opinion, but really she knows nothing about my life, whats going on, or how i really feel. since when is it wrong to post about my child? this is why I made this blog to begin with, if you dont want to be a part of my grieving process or read about it, dont and go away. PERIOD. I didnt ask you to read my blog nor would I have wanted you to had I known you were. even if you yourself have lost a child because i know how you were in texas. and I dont need your input (all directed towards her not you guys)

YES I AM BLESSED. yes I am pregnant again (I am posting it on here because it was brought up in the messeges. anything regarding my pregnancy though will be on my other blog) yes i am thankful for it. and so happy and excited. but that doesnt mean that everything in my life is going to be perfect from here on out. that doesnt mean that Im not going to be hormonal and pissed off at anything and everyone some days or that i cant have a bad day.

yes I dont work.
I am not working for the remainder of my pregnancy to make sure the baby is safe and im not stressing or working my body too much.
not because I need someone to take care of me.
i was the only one working before i quit.

this whole situation today has me a pissed off wreck.

i needed to get it off my chest and vent

IF THE GIRL WHO SENT ME THESE MESSEGES IS READING. GO AWAY. I DONT NEED YOUR SHIT ANYMORE.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT BUT YOU DONT. IM SORRY YOU LOST A CHILD BUT FOR YOU TO JUDGE ME BASED ON HOW I GRIEVE IS WRONG. AND IM NOT YOU!!!!

maybe i am too dramatic.
i dont mean to be.

fml

if youd like to follow my blog send me your email because as i said this blog is going private

Songs that make me think of you baby boy

2010-06-11T15:04:00.001-07:00

Sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say.
Now it's too late to hold you. '
Cause you've flown away, so far away.

Never, Had I imagined, yeah, living without your smile.
Feelin' and knowing you hear me.
It keeps me alive. Alive!

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way,
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

Picture a little scene from Heaven.

Darling, I never showed you.
Assumed you'd always be there.
I took your presence for granted.
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared.

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven.
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

Picture a little scene from Heaven.

Although, the sun will never shine the same, I'll
always look to a brighter day.

Yeah, Lord, I know, when I lay me down to sleep,
You'll always listen, as I pray!

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way,
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way,
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

Sorry, I Never told you, all I wanted to say
------------------------------------------------

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always
-------------------------------------------
It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name
---------------------------------------

March for babies pictures

2010-05-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

just a few people from our team, everyone else was out n about

the walk today was awesome! and im so happy to have such great friends to walk and support me. a total of 12 people walking in memory of jordan.
including my mom (the blonde) and britney and her beautiful daughter Jordyn (named after my son)

it was a perfect day. considering i was running on literally 0 hours of sleep and wired on coffee.
believe me its catching up on me and I feel like crap.

time to get some rest but i just wanted to share the pictures

6 days to get donations

2010-05-03T15:07:00.000-07:00

a special thanks to trent mom, georginas mom and debby for making donations, you girls are awesome and it means so much to me.

if anyone else would like to make donations In Jordans Memory you can do so at the link below
http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?si=71425BDD-3EDD-4353-9FBA-A88324917C98&SeID=1435576&prefill=

I already have 165 dollars in donations, I would love to get to at least 200 by saturday!!

Also, thank you to those of you who wished me a happy mothers day, i sincerely hope that each of you had a good day.
and if anyone wants a picture made with their babies name on it please let me know

A present for you special mommys

2010-05-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

I have only made a few.
but please if you would like one, let me know your babys name and ill make one right away

For all of You babylost mommys today..

2010-05-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

may all your babies bring you a little peace today.

I love you ladies. stay strong

International BabyLost Mothers Day

2010-05-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

Im at a loss for words right now. could be because Im tired. could be because as mothers day approaches, The more depressed I get.
What saddens me most... (OTHER then Not having Jordan here) is that Im not going to be recognized as a mother... by anyone other then you ladies.
I brought up mothers day to my boyfriend.. his response "well were NOT going to celebrate mothers day, were going to pretend like it never came around"

easy for you to say, and what he doesnt realize is I WANT to be recognized. I want him to be sweet and do SOMETHING for me, not act like its not even mothers day,,, because to me, it feels like he thinks "well your not a mother anymore, so no need to celebrate anything" even just a card, would make me feel a bit better, or something in memory of Jordan, it will make me feel like someone else sees me as a mother.

ugh idk
do I sound selfish?

thankfully we have international baby lost mothers day, to recognise us mommys, that other people often look over on this day.

you are all such amazing women.

I wish that all of our babies were with us here today, and everyday.

praying for you all.

you are all beautiful mommys

Donations IN JORDANS MEMORY

2010-05-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

I now only have a week left to get more donations, boy I wish I had started this sooner, if any one is able to donate ANYTHING, even 5$ it would be greatly greatly appreciated. and again thank you Catherine for your donation! It means the world to me

you can make your donations here
http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?si=5726A6A9-E57D-4F0E-9D87-7B18A89AAD98&SeID=1435576&prefill=

when I looked into your eyes.

2010-04-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

beautiful butterflies,
stary nights,
hummingbirds
and clear blue skies
all of these do not compare,
to when I looked into your eyes,
but on the day you passed away,
when I got home,
A hummingbird came my way,
and I knew I wasnt alone.

every day, the following weeks,
I'd sit outside and think of you,
and that hummingbird, would come into view,
flying so close, so, beautiful, so free,
I new you were there,
and it wasnt just me.

Because on the day you passed away,
when grandma got home,
blue butterflies came her way.
and she knew she wasnt alone.

when she went outside, the following days,
blue butterflies, flew her way,
flying so close, so beautiful, so free,
she knew that you were there.

about a week, after you passed away,
mommy sat outside,
all she did was look into the sky,
thinking of you,
and how weeks ago you were in here arms,
so perfect, so close,
slowly passing, nothing she could do,
but admire and hold onto you,
hoping and praying for a miracle.
but now your gone,
and its hard today,
empty arms, her heart breaking more and more everyday.

but just like mommys hummingbird,
and grandmas butterflies,
in heaven you fly, so beautiful, so free.
Until we meet again,
I find comfort in beautiful butterflies,
stary nights,
hummingbirds
and clear blue skies
though none of them will ever compare,
to those few moments,
when I looked into your eyes.
---Kara Jarrar

something I just wrote.

story behind it..

-- the night/ morning my son passed away and I had fallen asleep, my ex husband went outside, and he saw a humingbird when the sun was rising.
the next day when I got sent home, I found comfort being outside. idk why
the day after losing him I was sitting outside buy a bush that had flowers in it,
I looked over and saw a hummingbird, literally a foot or two away, even with my loud gasp, and sudden movement, the hummingbird stayed... and I felt like jordan was with me.

after that day, i saw hummingbirds everywhere. and I automatically thought of jordan.

the same day i saw my first humming bird my mom called, amazement in her voice and said there were hundreds of blue butterflies in her front yard and garden.. she said she felt as if jordan was there.

i miss you little man.. I saw a hummingbird today.
I felt like it was you visiting mommy
thank you little man, I needed that

Dear Jordan,

2010-04-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to write you tonight, and tell you mommy misses you. I think about you every minute of everyday. I miss you and love you every second. I bought some bears today, their angels. Im sad that I have to buy bears in memory of you, instead of buying them for you to play with. Mommy and her new bf are trying to make you a little sister or little brother. I hope you dont mind, no baby brother or sister will ever replace you. I will always tell them about you, and how much I love you. and how perfect you are. Ill let them know that their big brother is watching over them everyday. I wish you were here with me tonight, I wish I were holding you, kissing you, changing dirty diapers, and waking up at all hours of the night. when I first found out I was pregnant with you, I never thought in a million years that you wouldnt be here today. I hope you know that mommy loved you right from the very start, and I still love you the same. I have never wanted something and someone so badly in my entire life. I miss you little man. you were/are so perfect, and so gorgeous. I wish I had gotten more time with you, it just isnt fair and mommy doesnt understand. Please visit me in my dreams tonight, please let me know that your with mommy. I havent dreamt of you in so long. I want to just see you again, hold you again, the closest im going to get to that is in my dreams, so Jordan, will you please visit mommy tonight? I need you.
mommy is going to try to get some sleeps, in hopes of seeing you.
I love you little man.
sweet dreams

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine,"
He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for
when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or
three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of
him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should
his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for
your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay; since all from
earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I
want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search
for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think
the labor vain, Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"
I fancied that I that I heard them say, "Dear Lord,
Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the
risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll
love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever
grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner
than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and
try to understand."
~Unknown

comments are fixed,

2010-04-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

thank you catherine for pointing out to me it wasnt working i was wondering why i havent had comments in forever.
so please feel free to comment me, those I havent talked to introduce yourself.
id love to get to know each and everyone of you.

Why am I the only one suffering?

2010-04-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

All I can think about today is how much losing Jordan has changed my life, and me entirely. How I cant go through the day without thinking of him the whole time, how a peice of me is gone, and Im broken without it. How I often burst into tears because I dont have Jordan, because I cant hold him, and kiss him, I am depressed. though I dont always show it, Im a mess, though sometimes Im good at hiding it.

then I think about my soon to be ex husband "Im glad Jordan didnt come into a world with parents who didnt love eachother"

him basicly saying he was happy our... excuse me let me change that.. MY son had passed away.

just a day before his memorial service we were driving in the car, and he was telling me he was over it, and that I need to get over it too.

how can he be so heartless?

it kills me to know, that IM THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING. it was his son too, a part of him, he saw me give birth, hold our son, and watch him die in my arms, my son held onto his finger, AND HE IS OVER IT NOT EVEN 2 WEEKS LATER?
my ex never mentions MY son,
refused to donate to my march of dimes walk that is in MEMORY OF JORDAN,
it doesnt hurt him on a daily basis.
it doesnt kill him daily knowing he is not here.

but it does me. why is it im the only one suffering? its not fair.(i know there are other angels mommmys that are suffering too, but I mean in reference to me and the sperm donor)

my mom told me today, that she believes that he will have to answer to Jordan someday, he will have to explain to his son why he pushed him off to the side, and why he did and said the things that he did. my mother believes he will have to go through the pain he put me through during my pregnancy and the time I needed him the most, after I lost Jordan, because he just abandoned me immediatley.

I hope that he has to feel all of the pain he put me through.
I just wish for a week, my ex husband could take a walk through my shoes, preferrably right after we lost jordan, or even now.

I wish that he could feel the emptiness that I feel, I wish that he could feel the pain that I feel. I wish that MY son meant as much to him as he does to me.

im thankful that my son knows how much I love him. he is my heart and soul. even though I dont have him here, Im glad I was blessed with the time I did have with him, although sometimes its not enough, at least I was able to hold him, I hate that my memory is so foggy, but I remember bits and peices, and for that im thankful.

.

I would never wish my pain upon anyone.

EXCEPT my ex husband.

I dont even want him to feel like I do forever, I just want him to feel it, if even for a day.
I want to know that my son mattered to the man who made his life possible. my son was a part of not only me, but a part of him.

so why am I the only one suffering?

I feel like my son wasnt a part of me, he was all of me, Iam not the person I was before, Iam completley differnt. right now, my son has my entire heart, and he is welcome to have it. He is everything to me. and although he is not here anymore. HE WILL ALWAYS come first, if someone is uncomfortable with the things I do in memory of my son, they will no longer be a part of my life. because MY SON COMES FIRST

If I could chose, Jordan would be here,
but since I cant have that.

Iam thankful he is always on my mind, though sometimes it is unbearable.
I will never forget you Jordan, my beautiful boy, you had mommys nose, you know? I saw so much of myself in you already, I miss you baby boy. and I cant wait to hold you again

I dont..

2010-04-23T23:46:00.000-07:00

know what or how to feel. or what to say today.

im numb.

this cant be my life...

REALITY SUCKS.

so its been 9 months

2010-04-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

since I lost my beautiful boy Jordan.

and my boyfriend and I, are trying to conceive again. (we knew eachother back in highschool and met again awhile back)

is it weird for me to feel.... like me getting pregnant just isnt going to ever happen again? idk why I feel like this.
I want a baby more then anything. Id give anything to get pregnant and have a healthy baby in my arms 40 weeks later..

but I just dont feel like It will ever happen.
im 20 years old, young, I know.

but after losing Jordan..
I wanted him so badly.. but I CANT have him here.

I want another baby..

but I feel like because I want it so badly, its never going to happen for me.
I long to be a mommy.
to decorate a babys room, to pick out furniture and clothing again,
but I feel like I dont deserve it or something

now I really have never actually TTC..

so maybe since were really trying, it will happen..
or maybe its going to take forever and were going to have complications ect.

i should be excited... and I am,
but I feel like its also just a big dream for me, being a mommy.

I feel like its just not in the books for me, no matter how badly i want it.

ATTENTION ANGEL BABY MOMMAS

2010-04-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

I am making a poster, to walk with at the march of dimes, In Jordans memory, and in all of your babies memory as well.

please respond with your babies name, and birth day and day they passed away so I can add it to my poster to walk in their memory.

<3

I will send each of you a picture of me and all my friends walking in memory of your baby, with the sign with their name

so far we have 145$ i know thats not much, but i only started collecting donatings 3 days ago.

and a special thanks to catherine, georginas mommy, for making a donation. <3 I will be walking in memory of georgina as well

Dearest Jordan

2010-04-21T23:25:00.001-07:00

Mommy misses you so much today, but that is nothing new, i need you here with me, I want to hug and kiss on you. I think of you each and everyday, I love you very much, your mommys beautiful baby boy, and in my heart you will always stay. Oh how I wish that I could hold you now, touch your feet, your face, and your tiny hands, sometimes I cry for you so much, I dont even have the strength to stand. But mommys trying her hardest, to stay strong for you little man, your my only motivation, to give the rest of my life a chance. I just wish I had you here, and that this was all just a bad dream, This is one of those situations you think "that will never happen to me". Im sorry I cant hold you, sometimes I feel like I did something wrong. Maybe if mommy would have done better, you would be here where you belong. I know, I know, I cant be blaming myself, but sometimes its a hard thing not to do, theres nothing I want more, then to hold and comfort you, but I cant and it kills me, more and more everyday, some people think I have issues, but this pain will never ever truely go away. But the point of this letter baby boy, is to let you know that mommys thinking of you, I love you more then this world Jordan, and I cant wait to see you. I cant wait til the day I can hold you in my arms, and kiss you and play, I will see you again my son, one day. So until the day we meet again, may god watch over you, but can I ask one favor? will you ask him to watch over mommy too? I love you little man, with all my heart and soul, I will always think of you and love you,your what makes this crying mommy whole.

sweet dreams baby boy.

I want to thank every one of you.

2010-04-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my first day collecting donations. and one girl donated 50$, someone i didnt know, never talked to, that also never lost a child or had one premature. it caught me off guard how generous some people can be.. i was expecting if anything just 5$, which would have made me happy just having someone donate something. but 50$?! thats awesome. then my bf also donated 50$. so right now i have 100$ my ultimate goal is 1000$ which I know if probably unrealistic in a short amount of time, but its just a goal, anything helps. tims mom is going to give me a donation today, and i was supposed to call her church and talk to them today but didnt wake up in time so ill call tomorrow. im really hoping to get somewhat of a big donation, but as I said any amount helps.
Im really proud of myself for getting involved in this and I just hope Jordan is proud of me.

I miss my little man so much.

I kind of think my boyfriend is bothered by it a little bit, his dad told him I have issues regarding Jordan, I told him yes I do, and they will NEVER go away. EVER. my boyfriend doesnt really even know the half of how I REALLY feel about all of this, he doesnt know that I have more "Issues" that I just dont show.

Im kind of afraid to talk to him about it, I dont want him to think im crazy, and maybe its just not the best thing to bring up or explain fully right now.

I think I handle myself very well considering all ive been through in the past year, im proud of how I hold myself together, even when I want to fall apart.

Im ALOT stronger then I ever thought I could be. I guess when something as tragic as losing your child/ children happens, you can either choose to lose yourself, and let yourself and life go, or you can do something about it and make it better, and try your best to hold yourself together and make something of yourself.
I chose to get better.

not that its easy because its not at all.
Jordan, though he may not be here with me, is my everything, my whole world, and my whole heart, he will always come first.

I have made some mistakes since losing jordan, some I am not proud of, but at least I learned from those mistakes and have chose a different path in my life.

Im so proud of all of you ladies, you are all strong women, whether you believe it or not you all are.

and I know I havent responded to many of you but it has always been hard to from my phone, now that I have internet I would like to get to know you all so much more.

even if I havent personally talked to any of you, I just want to thank you all, I have read your storys, i have kept up on your journey to healing. and I thank all of you. knowing there are other people out there who know what Im going through, and reading your thoughts, your gals are part of the reason I am doing so well today.

god bless you all and I hope to get to know you all a bit better.

Please Help me/ Marvolous mondays

2010-04-19T16:21:00.001-07:00

Im doing this all a little late. But I have started a march of dimes team, I have until May 8th to raise money and so far, nothing.

if any of you could donate anything as little as 5$ it would be much appreciated.

this walk is very important to me, as I am sure it is to many of you as well.

My son may have not made it, but I want to help raise money for future babies, born too soon.

any help at all would be amazing.

thank you all and god bless
'>

Im going to join in on marvolous mondays, because I need to start finding more positives in life. As most of you know who have been reading my blog, and for those of you who dont know, I lost my baby boy Jordan when I was 22 weeks pregnant, that early morning 2:32 AM TO BE EXACT, changed my life forever. Since losing Jordan I also have gone through a divorce. my husband told me the day of our sons memorial service that we were over, so I have endured so much in such a short ammount of time, it is often hard to find positives after going through so much. But I have definetly been trying. If there is one thing I have learned since losing Jordan it is not to take anything or anyone for granted, and to appreciate and cherish those around me, and the small things in life. I have also become more compassionate, in everything.
and for that i am thankful.

So for this marvolous monday I am thankful for those things I have learned from losing Jordan, though I much rather have him here, at least I have become a better person. I am thankful for my boyfriend, my family and my friends who have been there for me throughout this all

A few days after jordan died

2010-04-17T14:05:00.001-07:00

I remeber my husband and i going back to the hospital for certain paper work. Stuff for the army..i dont really remember. But we talked to a lady, she was older maybe her mid 50's. She asked about jordan, i told her. She told me he will always be with me. She said she had a still born 35 years ago, and to this day she still talks to him and thinks about him daily. She said he will never leave. I remember going outside every night for weeks after he died, while my husband and i were seperated and still living together, too much going on at once with losing jordan and my husband. I would just sit outside on the stairs looking at the stars thinking about him and talking to him. Thinking i was absolutely nuts. But not caring either way. I remember one night being far more depressed then usual. My husband left me for another girl, or left me and was ALREADY talking to another girl, i forget all his stories. It was too much for me, being only 2 weeks after losing jordan. i went to sit outside like usual, stare a the stars just crying hysterically. Telling jordan how much i missed him and how i just wanted a sign to know he was there, because i felt so alone. I looked up in the sky and saw a small boquet of blue balloons flying away. (We had just released blue baloons for him days before in missouri, we were now in texas) it took me off guard. But i instantly felt more at ease. As if he was with me.

I miss him more then ever today.

Love you baby boy.

my husbands take on jordan

2010-02-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

i took the pictures down because i don't think it's something to parade around. i loved him too. i'm not going to lie, when i first found out that you were pregnant i wasn't excited, but everytime we saw him from ultrasounds i felt like i wanted him a lot! I just don't think pictures of my dead son is how i want to remember him. and i think you being the one who carried him, you think differently, but i like to remember playing metal in the car talking to him in your belly when he was alive. brings tears to my eyes. i don't like remembering the night we lost him. not any moment of it other than when he grabbed my finger.

I took the pictures down because I'm not open like you are with my personal life. I don't think it's anyone's business to see pictures of my deceased son.

=(

i hate how guys think

thinking back on my marriage

2010-02-21T10:21:00.000-08:00

before jordan, my husband was everything to me, my best friend, the love of my life, my family. EVERYTHING. I loved him more then I loved myself.

things started to feel weird, he wouldnt sleep with me, wouldnt pay any attention to me, wouldnt even touch me.
so I check his email.(im not one to normally do this, but I knew something was not right so instead of acting like nothing was wrong, i wanted to know)
I found that he was on a site called adultfriendfinder.com
his screen name? army dude needs sum.

really??!! he was out looking for sex, when I couldnt even find another guy attractive?! he was all I saw.

I confronted him about it, he denied it, got mad at me for checking his mail.
get to work, text eachother about it....

"you have gained weight, and are not as pretty as you were before. Im not attracted to you anymore." those words could have stopped my heart.
this was the day... the day I knew my marriage was really over.

a few weeks later.....

1st week, 10 lbs gone 2nd weeks, another 7lbs.

everything I tried to eat, I immediatley felt sick. resulting in the loss of 20lbs very fast.
I thought it was from the stress from my marriage and finding out my husband wasnt in love with me or even attracted to me..

but my manager at work kept telling me i should get a pregnancy test, being pregnant was the last thing I though it could be, but I bought a test still. after finding out that i was indeed pregnant, I fell to my knees crying hysterically "I cant be pregnant!! I cant be pregnant"
dont get me wrong, I was SOOO excited, I had wanted a baby.. more then anything. but I was afraid of what my husband would say.. HE DIDNT want any more kids.
I call my mom crying, call my cousin crying, I had no idea how to tell him, and I was terrified.
it was 2pm, my husband got home at 6 or 7pm. plenty of time to think of a way.. as I calmed myself down enough to call my manager, right when she answered i burst into tears again, and as I did that, my husband walked in the front door, off work nearly 4 hours early. I start running out the front door crying, I havent been able to prepare myself for this enough, but he comes running after me, freaking out asking me whats wrong over and over, he looked like he cared, but it made me wonder if maybe he was just concerned that I had found something else on his computer, or caught him in something. I realized me running away wasnt going to solve anything, so I walked back to the apartment. walked past his open arms, i was still full of anger towards him after what he said "IM FUCKING PREGNANT" is all I could say as I walked past him, into our apartment, before collapsing onto the floor crying again. again, I was happy, but more so afraid of what was going to happen with my marriage.

jesse walked into the door after me, pulled me off the ground, held me close telling me everything was going to be ok, telling me that we were going to have a baby just like I wanted, he seemed excited, but I knew it was only to comfort me, which I thank him for. once he comforted me the excitment of this baby inside me was instant. at least for me.

but after i had calmed down, his stress then started to show.
"YOU PLANNED THIS" is what he said.
"I dont trust you, I think this is your fault"

just as I had thought he would first react.
always blaming something on me.

for weeks to follow our marriage started to fall apart more and more.
and I was at home crying, day after day, week after week, and month after month.
during my 22 weeks of pregnancy, my husband left me at least once a month. "I dont want to be with you, I dont love you, im not attracted to you" was always the reasonings. he found another girl, so I got to watch my husband take another girl out, while I was stuck inside a one bedroom apartment by myself, all of my friends thousands of miles away.

every day at work I would go to work a mess. I would be talking about my baby non stop, how excited I was, ect. but everyone knew what was going on at home, and EVERYDAY my boss would sit me down and say "Kara you need to stop stressing out so much, your baby feels everything you feel, and Im afraid that if you dont get away from jesse, you are going to lose that baby"

I heard this every day that I worked for 22 weeks.
but you never want to believe those things are possible.
those things happen to other people. but never to you.

I was also at home crying hysterically, everyday for 22 weeks.

as ultrasounds went on I saw my husband getting a bit more excited for the baby, but his distance from me was the same.

finally the ultra sound I had been counting down for, but also scared for.
20 weeks! we find out the sex!!
ever since the first u/s at 10 weeks my husband and I knew it was a boy.
we were anxious to see if we were right.
I was also afraid, that they would find something wrong with the baby. I dont know why but that u/s scared me more then anything. I know they look for alot of problems at the 20weeku/s and I was scared to death.

during the ultrasound it seemed like It took forever, my husband got to see everything and was laughing and "awwing" I was pissed because I saw nothing. I just wanted to see my baby.
it felt like an hour went by before he finally turned the screen and I got to see my beautiful baby boy =) yes, we were right. BOY =) but after the 30 mins to an hour of waiting and my husband seeing everything, all the guy did was turn the screen show me the sex then turn it back around.
that was all i got ?!??!

i let it go and got excited, calling everyone I knew.

then I made my husband go to target so I could buy a few baby outfits.

a week later was my doctors appt. I was terrified because I was sooo afraid something was wrong with jordan.. this was the first appt i was going to alone, and I was so afraid.

when I got there she let me know everything was perfect. and as it should be.
"PHEW"
I called jesse crying in relief.
he seemed relieved too.

fast forward July 5, 2009.

got to work, It was my day to groom on my own and do my test dogs, but for some reason, I was NOT feeling it, I had a weird pressure at the bottom of my stomach, but i thought it was him just moving. I was going slow all day and just felt weird. and then I got in a fight with my husband and burst into tears, the night before he had been out to a club with a few girls, and I was totally freaking out. when a new girl walked up to me and said, you need to stop. stress like this can cause premature labor, your going to lose that baby.

never fails. i heard that every day.
but I still didnt believe it.
or maybe i just didnt want to.

I could work, I couldnt think straight,

so I asked to go home.

it was about 3 pm.

I got home and my husband had friends over, I was in a bad mood, didnt feel good, so I walked past everyone and went to my room to lay down, the whole time I started getting horrible lower back pains and lower abdomen pains.

i kept trying to get into different positions hoping they would go away. they didnt.

finally I told my husband something wasnt right and we needed to go to the hospital
"I HAVE TO BE UP AT 3 AM. I NEED SLEEP, YOU ALWAYS EXAGGERATE EVERYTHING AND IM NOT GOING TO SIT AT THE HOSPITAL ALL NIGHT JUST FOR THEM TO GIVE YOU SOME TYLENOL AND SEND YOU HOME, SUCK IT UP AND GO TOMORROW BY YOURSELF"
as always more concerned with himself.

i looked up what i was feeling online, it all pointed to premature labor.
told jesse.

"THAT DOESNT HAPPEN, ITS RARE."

I was so afraid of my husband i held off going to the hospital, my pains getting worse and worse, I tried to get in the shower with him, but fell to the ground crying in pain,
all he did was tell me to go lay down.
I went to lay down, fell to my knees again.

he helps me into bed, my cousin calls me and I burst into tears, telling me to get into the hospital.

finally my husband agrees to take me.
yelling at me along the way.

i call L/d and they tell me to come in, my husband packs his things for work the next day, all the while throwing things and yelling at me for having to take me to the hospital.
my pains get worse and worse on the drive there, and my husband wont even hold my hand, so I hold onto the door and anything I could,

he still thinks Im over exaggerating.

we get to the hospital they let me know that i was dialated, and having contractions, and that there was a possibility of me losing him that night, and although they told me that it was a possibility it was something I didnt want to believe. and didnt think would really happen.

it was 9pm, and just getting later, they took me to a room, told me nothing. then a nurse comes in and asks me what was going on

"like you dont know"
I say

"no, but they have the room set up for a delivery, how far along are you"

my heart stopped.

hours went by, and as my contractions started to get better, I told the nurse, and my hopes got higher. she then put a cathiter in during a contraction, the second she put it in, my water broke, and minutes later my son was born, and my world came crashing down around me.

when he was born all they asked me was "Would you like to hold him until he passes away"

of course I said yes.
I asked them to do something, but they refused.

instead I held him, watching his lips move, horrified because I felt as if he was gasping for breath, the nurse kepy coming back checking his heartbeat, waiting for him to pass away.
it felt like an eternity.

i dont remember when it was that he actually died.

I dont remember very much from that night.

I hate that I cant remember much.

it kills me.

I woke up the next morning screaming and crying, I had thought it was just a nightmare, but it was real. my husband crawled into the hospital bed with me and held me. I begged god, I prayed so much while I was in my husbands arms, that If there was anything that would come from losing jordan, just please let it be us, please let this bring us closer together.
for the first two days, I believed it was bringing us closer together, til the third day came around and he said he didnt want to be with me anymore. he said he was only staying with me before because of jordan, and now that jordan died it was a sign to him that this was his way out.

he left. came back a few hours later wanting me back saying that next time we fight divorce cant come up. that we would work through our problems.

the weeks went by and we went on a family trip to the beach, just a stop before we went back home for a memorial service for jordan. things seemed fine between us, when we got back to our home town with family things just got worse, we fought the night before his memorial service, him telling me he doesnt want kids, me telling him i would hate him forever.
things kinda calmed down and I fell asleep in his arms, the next morning was jordans memorial service, we went and although my husband held me and comforted me, i knew something wasnt right, after jordans service I followed him onto the front porch confronting him about what was wrong.

he told me he didnt want to be with me anymore.
this was it.
there was no going back.
this was it.

I was even more depressed. because this was the day of my sons memorial service.. and then my husband leaves me.

I felt like I lost everything and I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

days went by, and we still slept together and cuddled, i thought things would change, but once we went back to texas they just got worse.

he told me he was glad that jordan died.

and he replaced every picture of my son, with pictures of his new little girl friend,
every mention or u/s picture of my son was gone off his myspace.
it was like he never happened.

I cant even bring my self to write any more right now..

2010-02-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

—Psalm 139:13, 14, 16

I love and miss you Jordan Daniel.

Just going back

2010-01-30T09:10:00.000-08:00

THE DAY after I lost Jordan, my sister in laws came to texas to be with jesse and I.
during that time we went out for chinese (they practically had to force me out of the house) once we got there, it seemed like every person had new born children. babies surrounded me and it took everything in me to keep from losing it. The entire time, I stared at my plate, pushing food around to make it seem as though I ate a little bit. at the end of the meal we got fortune cookies. I opened mine and it read "Dont worry about yesterday, TODAY is the day" i totally shrugged it off, and threw it on the table. but for some reason kept picking it up to read it again, when I picked it up to read it for the last time, I looked up at my two sister in laws, their hands covering their mouths, tears in their eyes. I asked them what was wrong, they grab my fortune, turn it around, and put it back in my hands. at this moment I started bursting out in tears.
the back of my fortune said "SON".
I felt like it was a sign from jordan letting his mommy know he was ok.

i often think about this, when missing him, because I felt like that was him trying to just let me know he was alright and he was there. the fortune I kept and is safe with jordans things.

during my entire pregnancy my husband and I were not good at all, I loved jordan and he was the only comfort I had for 22 weeks. I learned what true love really was, the second I held him in my arms, and watched him slip away. The worst feeling in the world, is loving someone so much, wanting someone so much, wanting to hold, kiss, cherish and love someone, but knowing that those things will never happen. I want my son. I want to hold him. kiss him.

I AM A MOTHER.
but the only difference is I cant hold my child or watch him grow, all I have are memories and pictures.

it kills me knowing i should have a beautiful 2 month old son right now.

but I dont.

I feel like losing Jordan has made me a stronger person,
but then times like this,
I feel like Im the weakest person out there.

I wish I could just get a sign from him, something, to just let me know he is around.

I need something =(

So I know what Im going to do to get my life back.

2010-01-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

join the army.

it is something I have thought about since jesse and I split up.

reasons why i want to join...
I have always relied on other people to make me happy, but I know I need to focus on myself and MY life, and no one will be able to make me happy until i can make myself happy.

joining will FORCE me to focus on myself and only myself.

I have always wanted to get in shape.
never have the motivation

army will FORCE me to get in shape.

I want to make something out of my life, go in a new direction.

after losing jordan, and my husband wanting a divorce.. i told myself I was going to better my life, not go down hill.

joining the army will make me a stronger person. physically, and mentally.
I will be able to take care of myself with no one else's help.
and thats what I want. to be able to care for myself, to be an adult and proud of the accomplishments I make in my life.

I also need a steady pay check. No its not all about the money, but yes it is one of my many reasons.

i want to see new places.
i will def see new places being active duty

I want to do something great in my life, and although I know ill prob hate it at first, I want to be 50-60 yrs old and telling my kids and grandkids exciting stories about different places I have seen, or about how hard I worked to accomplish everything

all of this is totally not like me, its come as a shock to everyone,

but they can all see my determination as well.as the good REAL reasonings behind me joining.

my mom sees me studying very hard for the asvab test.

i hate math and refuse to do it, let alone re learn it basicly.

im studying very hard.

and my mom is helping me.

at this point, other then jordan, i have never wanted anything more.

i want to prove to myself i can do something totally unlike me.
I want to prove to my soon to be ex husband that I AM something and SOMEONE.
hell thats what I want to prove to myself.

my friends keep telling me there are easier ways to acheive these goals other then joinging the army.

maybe I dont want the easy way out??

maybe I want to go the hard way, and gain more in the end.

IAM GOING TO BE GREAT.
IM GOING TO MAKE THIS LIFE GREAT

though my life is all sorts of crazy

2010-01-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

I still know how to be happy.
maybe my mind is all messed up.
because i feel alot of different emotions.
Happiness.
sadness.
jelousy.
selfishness.
ect.

lately I havent been very safe when it comes to preventing getting pregnant again.
maybe its because I DONT want to prevent it.
I stopped taking BC once getting pregnant, and refused to take it again after Jordan.
but I feel like Its something the I will never get.
No matter how many times my current ex and i didnt use any sort of protection.... nothing happened. not only with him, but nothing happens. its not fair for me to wish for such things. because 1. im not in the right place in my life to have a kid with no job. 2. i dont have my own place 3. no relationship.
but even all of those dont matter to me because i know if i were to find out, i would do anything and everything to give my child the best life ever.

i feel very selfish.

lately i have been feeling weird. a bit nauteous. but i know its probably all in my head. im giving it a few weeks to see if i start and if not i will test.
I even had a dream last night that I was pregnant, I woke up crying i was so happy only to realize it was nothing but a dream.

i see everyone around me pregnant, and im happy for them, just depressed for me.
i hope i catch a break and get everything I so badly want and need to have in my life

I will not blame god

2010-01-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

I will not blame god or destiny for my loss. Instead I will ask god to weep with me and encourage destiny to favor me with another hand.

So I was hoping 2010 would be a fresh new start, but so far its been nothing but stress.
I quit my job awhile back because the owner of the buisiness wasnt paying me on time, and I got behind on bills, so I have been preparing to move back in with my parents.

I have bills due and absolutley no money to pay them.
car tags are expired. no money to renew them.
no money for gas to get to my moms.

idk what to do.

Wishing you all

2009-12-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

A peaceful and merry christmas,

This is Jordans first christmas in heavan.

He would be a little over a month old right now =(

trying to stay happy today.

my mom bought me a huge picture frame that has the letter J in the middle, and surrounding the J are pictures of jordan, and the balloon release at his memorial service, and his footprints.

and my grandma got me a cross necklace with foot prints on it, and a quote from footprints in the sand
"and it was then that I carried you"

my mom said that she thinks this poem is just made for me because I always seem to question god.
that and she bought me a cross necklace as well. with the foot prints and same quote on the back, except the cross my mom got me was bigger.
then this christmas my grandma got me the same necklace, but the cross was smaller.

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Dear Mommy

2009-12-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Mommy,
Im sorry I cant be with you on christmas this year,
and the years to follow too,
but I wanted you to know that I love you ,
and Im always thinking about you too.

I know that you are very sad,
I see every tear that falls,
Mommy I wish that I could be there,
So you didnt have to cry for me at all.

I wish that I could hold your hand,
and make you laugh each day
I wish that I could be in your amrs,
and take all of your sadness away.

But mommy I want you to know,
that Im with you always,
Im that little voice inside your head.
Letting you know that everything will be okay.

Just because I wont be in your arms,
doesnt mean that Im not there,
Im always with you mommy,
you can feel my presense everywhere.

Ill be there when you break down crying,
wishing that I was with you,
but mommy you have to keep trying,
though you may not always want to.

Whenever you are feeling down,
and dont know what to do,
just remember mommy that I love you,
And I know that you love me too.

So merry christmas mommy,
please try your best not to cry,
I will always be with you.
Im sorry we didnt get to say good bye.

a little something I wrote last night in my journal to jordan

Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself

2009-12-18T20:27:00.003-08:00

Since July my life took a turn for the worst, and then for the better.July 6 2009-I went into premature labor and lost my son, Jordan Daniel Jarrar, just 10 minutes after he was born. I never knew TRUE love until I held him in my arms, and he held onto my finger. That night changed my life, and me, forever.my husband and I had been going through a rough time, talk of divorce, ect, and I was heartbroken, once I held my son, I realized that the "LOVE" between my husband and I was not real. yeah there was a time where we were happy. but it seemed like the bad out weighed the good.when I saw my son, even in the 10 minutes I had with him, I realized, that No One else mattered. He was my whole world, and the only comfort I had for those 22 weeks. and still today, though he is not here, he is my only motivation to become a better person, and a stronger person, and to follow my dreams.I have grown up so much in these past 5-6 months. I have learned to love myself and put myself first. I have learned to love and enjoy the simple things in life, and realize that life is too shortt, and that when a problem such as my job not going so well and me having to move back in with my parents comes up, that its not the end of the world, and it could be so much worse. So all I can do is work hard to find another job, and keep my head up and stay positive along the way. I KNOW that I desearve better for myself then what I had in the past, and now Im to the point where I refuse to accept any less. I have goals, and dreams, and next time around, no one is going to attempt to take them from me or change my mind.No one is getting in the way of what I want in my life.I am a strong woman.this is something I will admit.I am still smiling every day, and living my life, hoping for the best in my future.while alot of other people would have given up on everything and broke down.I still cry alot for my son, I miss him every day.but I am thankful for my divorce.SO THANKFUL.I am finally happy with MYSELF and my life. (other then not having my son with me)there is nothing any one can do to bring me down.Ill meet someone eventually who will put as much effort and love into our relationship as i do.and I wont settle for anything less.but im not out looking for "Love"Love can find me.because right now.Im content with thing just the way they are

havent updated in awhile

2009-12-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

everything is going good. other then my job.
im not getting paid because she doesnt have money.. and she is about to cut my hours, so im probably going to have to move back in with my mom, which sucks because i feel like being around all of my friends is what has gotten me through my divorce and losing jordan..

once im away from them idk what ill do. letta my roomate is like the one person im closest too.
im going to miss her like crazy she almost cried when i brought up moving.

bit of an update

2009-11-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

So things have been pretty crazy.

you know that amazing boyfriend I met??

yeah hes not so amazing.

to make a long story as short as I can,

he has, or had, or still has who knows a girlfriend that lived with him, not only that, but he was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend who he has pregnant now (they also had a stillborn a year ago when she was 22 weeks preg) and he was still sleeping with his youngest daughters mom too.

cheating on me with 3 women =D wow

he was telling his ex that is pregnant that Im just a crazy friend, stalker i guess.
and he was telling me she was crazy and wouldnt leave him alone.

so her and I met up. to show eachother text messages from him.
proving im no stalker im actually (well was) his girlfriend
and that she wasnt crazy either.

now were both very good friends.

I will be attending her baby shower =) and we talk every day, about our angel babies, and the loser that screwed us both over.

I handeled the entire situation so well. I was so mean to him and gave him no mercy and not one tear was shed, and I got a great friend out of the deal, who knows exactly how I feel losing jordan, so I have someone to talk to, who understands

=)

not too shabby

Rest in peace Jordan Daniel Jarrar, Mommy is forever loving you, missing you, and thinking about you. you are my whole world. I love you

getting harder

2009-11-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Tuesday should be the day where I am holding my beautiful baby boy in my arms.
=(

when I first moved here

2009-10-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

I was handling Losing my son fairley well, I was having fun and not thinking about it, or doing everything I could not to anyways.

I was doing so well.

Now I cant get through a day without crying.
seeing a girl who was only a week ahead of me in the hospital having her baby boy today, knowing I should be having my boy in my arms soon, but I cant.

Im more of a mess now.

guess its something I have to get used to

ah one thing after another

2009-10-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

havent been on here much due to being in and out of the hospital.

had to get my gall bladder removed, then 4 days after surgery i started getting the worst pains ever and had to go back to find out i had a leak, and spent 4 days in the hospital.

so its been a fun month.

but on a good note I met a wonderful man who has completley taken my breathe away.
and Im happier then ever

yay

2009-10-01T13:28:00.001-07:00

going to look at an apartment today to get into MY OWN place.I love my roomates, but I really want to be on my own, I never have before, and Im finally to the point in my life where I can afford to get my own place, with noone elses help.and I hate having to ask if I can have someone over.I love my roomates n all. but their married and need some time alone in my opinion, and I want to start my life.
Im super happy and loving my life right now, and Im sooooo proud of myself for getting to this point

how cruel

2009-09-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

my husband told me the other day that he was glad our son died.

stab in the heart.

he will have to answer to our son one day, explaining why he pushed him off to the side like he was nothing.
and my son will KNOW, that he was my whole world

im back

2009-09-24T16:16:00.001-07:00

im sorry it has been so long since I have updated this, my life has been so crazy, finally moved back to missouri, my husband is already in another relationship, but my life is going great, i got a great job and have the best roomates, i have friends again, and am having some fun.

I still think of my son every day, but im handling it fairley well.

just wanted to update ya guys

I just want to die

2009-08-21T13:52:00.001-07:00

I just dont want to wake up tomorrow.
I dont want to love him anymore.
I never thought we would be going through a divorce

2009-08-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hold him close to you.

by:Kara Jarrar

If there is one thing I could ask of you tonight lord,

its to hold my son close to you,

tell him that you love him,

and please tell him that I do too?

please tell him stories of me,

and my love for him,

please let him know that I miss him dearly,

each and every day,

theres not a moment that goes by Lord,

where my love for him goes away.

I still dont understand, why my son is not here.

A day has not gone by,where my eyes are not filled with tears.

There is nothing I want more,Then to have him here with me,

Laughing and crying,Oh the joy and love in his eyes, I long to see.

I would have given him the best life,

do all I could to see him smile,

teach him the difference between wrong and right,

No other love could compare.

though hes not here,Lord.

I can feel him everywhere.

So please, lord, when you hold my son close to you,

please tell him that you love him,and tell him that I do too.

I cant stop looking at his pictures

2009-08-18T00:31:00.001-07:00

And I regret more then anything not taking more. But I cherish these pictures of my baby boy, more then anything in this world, I almost didnt take any, so I need to be thankful that I did.

He weighed in at 1lb 2 oz, and was 11 1/2 inches long. such a beautiful boy. I love him more then anything, and I would give anything in this world, just to see him one more time, touch him one more time, I just looked over these pictures again and was hit with such sadness, and shock. This didnt really happen?!? Not to ME?! it doesnt seem real, this has to be a nightmare. but it isnt.

I started a poem today, i dont know how I feel about it, since I have never written one but here it is so far

If there is one thing I could ask of you tonight lord,its to hold my son close to you,tell him that you love him,and please tell him that I do too?please tell him stories of me,and my love for him,please let him know that I miss him dearly,each and every day,theres not a moment that goes by Lord,where my love for him goes away.
I still dont understand, why my son is not here.A day has not gone by,where my eyes are not filled with tears.There is nothing I want more,Then to have him here with me,Laughing and crying,Oh the joy and love in his eyes, I long to see.

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.

2009-08-17T00:48:00.000-07:00

But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if u fell apart, that's true strength

I have never beena strong person emotionally. I have grown up watching my mom sit by the phone crying begging my step dad who was a drunk to come home, when he had been gone for days on end, this has gone on for as long as I can remember. I promised myself I would never be like her.But I have been, my whole life. Here Iam turning 20, and Im going through a divorce. I have seen so much of my mom in myself and I hate it, I had previously done all I possibly could to keep my husband around, which included crying and begging him to stay with me. I looked like the most pathetic person, I was the most pathetic person. But I was terrified to lose him, I didnt want to be without him, I still dont want to. BUT, everyday that goes by, I notice myself getting stronger, without anyones help, Im doing this on my own. Iam constantly getting messages from friends, acquaintances, random people I dont know, or mothers who have too, recently lost a child, telling me how much they admire me and my strength. When honestly I didnt feel strong at all, I just lost my son, and it wasnt even a month later before my husband wants a divorce. Im losing my whole world, and they think that Im strong?? Truth is, and I can see it now, I AM STRONG. I am stronger then I have ever been before in my life. Sure there are still times where I burst out in tears, missing my son. Sure there are times where I burst out in tears, wishing I could fix my marriage. But I feel like I am holding myself together fairly well considering. When I first got home from the hospital, all I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up, all I could think about is how I wanted to die,and be with him. Now I want to live my life to the fullest, I want to make something of myself, and my life. I want to do what I want to do, not what someone else wants me to do. and I want to do it all for my son. Im no longer crying or begging my husband to stay with me, I shouldnt have to beg someone to love me, sure I still love him, more then I should. If I had it my way we would be cuddling on the couch watching a movie together, totally and happily in love. But its not like that, nor has it been like that for a very long time. So I am done trying. A marriage can not work when only one person is trying to make it work, and I have been the only one trying since we got married. I almost feel like my son was sent to me to teach me how to be strong. I feel guilty, and ashamed, for causing my son so much stress while I was pregnant with him, My husband and I were having alot of problems, his "I dont want you, I want you" things, my entire pregnancy, I was a complete wreck, and it kills me when others say "the baby can feel everything" I cant imagine him feeling the stress that I felt, and I feel guilty for not trying to stay calm. But maybe god sent him to me, to show me what TRUE LOVE really is, and that was my son. And to show me that I desearve better then what Im settling for, and I need to be strong. I still hate that my son is not here, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back to me, so Im trying to be as positive as I can, and think "Maybe god really does have a plan, or reason behind everything" although sometimes I get angry, because no reason will ever be good enough for me. Every time when I feel like giving up, I feel like someone is pushing me to hold on, telling me everything will be ok, that I will become such a better person because of this. and I feel like thats Jordan, as I said in one of my posts before, I always feel like I can hear him talk to me, I feel absolutley nuts, but everynight when I go outside, I look up into the sky and tell my baby I love him then immediatley I hear "I love you mommy" in the back of my head. or maybe its because thats what I long to hear. But hearing these things, whether it be my own crazyness or not, is the only thing motivating me to stay strong. Jordan is my only motivation anymore, everything I do from here on out is for him. I want to make him proud.

This too shall pass.

2009-08-12T15:09:00.000-07:00

Finally went and picked up my sons hospital photos, their a little blurry bc I dont have a scanner, the picture bothers me so much, probably because it was taken 4 days after he had passed away, that and they didnt clean him up as much as I had hoped, but he looks completley differnt from what I remember him.

this is how I remember him. and how I want to remember him, he looks peaceful, and almost looks as though he is smiling a little.

Last month and still going has been the hardest time of my life so far, and I pray I never have to go through anything like this again. I lost my son, who I was so very excited and happy about, and not even a month later am told by my husband that he wants a divorce.

Lost everything I held so close to me. and wanted so badly.

But I am still trying to stay positive and cope any way that I possibly can, I am going to therapy, and my therapist is very understanding, and I feel very comfortable with her, she has made me realize that Im not living in a healthy environment and I need to get out, I feel like I have had more strength in the past month, then I have had in a lifetime. I almost feel guilty for not letting myself fall apart, but I know my son would not want that, and I know that he knows that I love him more then this world. So I shouldnt feel guilty. I feel like he is helping me be strong, everytime I feel like im getting weak and I dont want to keep going I hear "Mommy please dont cry, I love you" or "Mommy please stay strong, for me" I feel like Im crazy, but it helps.

I have never been a religious person, and after losing jordan I want so badly to believe in something so beautiful, but at the same time I am so afraid, afraid there is no heaven, there are so many different religions with different beliefs, what is real?? all I know is I continue praying, and hoping that my son is in a beautiful place where I will be with him again someday. I have already decided to look into attending church when I get back to my hometown, to help ease my fears and worries, and help bring god into my life, which I feel at this point in my life I need.

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow

2009-08-10T01:51:00.000-07:00

So this morning was it, I log onto myspace only to see that my husband erased every picture of me, every mention of my name, or that he is married. then soon deleted me.
its like I never even happened.Today after seeing his myspace, an anger took over me.an anger over myself for being so stupid.and for kissing his ass for so long while he treated me like shit. from the moment my husband woke up to day, I hardly spoke to him.I would SOMETIMES answer his questions, and when I did it was very short.I ended up going off on him about the myspace, cried a minute, then became very cold. He left, I didnt ask where he was going, he came home, I went and got ready, and left, said nothing, and left. went out to ice cream with my friend =) but i made sure to dress up and look damn good.I saw his face when he seen me leave.I saw the hurt and jelousy in him that I have felt for the past year. and It felt good.I also went out the night before to a foam party at a gay club (totally fun, but NOT something I would do if me and him were together, although he did)I hadnt gone out to have fun with friends in the whole 2 years we have been together, and I know it bothered him. which ALSO felt GREAT.today after ice cream i came home, and was about to get ready to go out with another friend and he got pissed at me, and started asking me where I was going, and who I was going to be with.i told him I didnt know, nor did it matter, and he started screaming at me.I lost it telling him HE called it quits. this was HIS choice, and Im not going to sit around kissing his ass, crying, and trying to make things work. he started crying telling me "he loooooves me, but just feels like divorce is the right thing" and started giving me his boo hoo sob storiesI cut him off saying"you have broken up with me like 6 times in the past 6 months, im not buying your bs excuses nor do i give a flying fuck anymore. IM DONE."I told him how shitty he has been to me, and how I always blamed myself, but I KNOW i did nothing wrong, I was wonderful to him, and kissed his ass. I put up with more BS then any other woman would. I desearve a man who doesnt have to question whether or not we should be together, I desearve a man who will want to have a child with me and want me to follow my dreams, not be little me, and my job.he kept trying to hug me, and kiss me... I pushed him away and told him NO.went to bed, he kept trying to rub my back, again kiss me, and hold me.I told him not to touch me.He started crying telling me how much he loves me and cares about me.I told him I didnt buy it.and listened to him cry himself to sleep.I feel like a cold hearted person.but it makes me feel damn good.he desearves to hurt.IM more proud of myself then I have ever been.I have gone through more things in the past month then anyone shoiuld ever have to deal with... and all I can think about today is staying positive.I dont know what came over me.but I like itand im so ready to move out and start my new life

i may sound cruel.

but to me cruel is someone who tells their wife they want a divorce only three days after their son passes away.then want to fix things, only to tell their wife a few weeks later the day OF their sons memorial service that he wants a divorce and wants her out of the apartment asap.

I feel guilty.

2009-08-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

Since Jordan has passed there hasnt gone a day where I have no thought of him, up until after his memorial service, I dont know if its because my husband told me he wanted a divorce or what, but my pain now seems to be more based off of the divorce, or perhaps its both. I havent pictured him in my head, or ran through the "what ifs" a million times like I usually do. I feel just numb and blank. but its not that he doesnt cross my mind at all, I keep going outside to think to myself, to be alone, and I look around just telling him in my mind how much I love him, and begging for god to give me the strength to get through my divorce, and the loss of Jordan. When it feels like nothing on this earth could get any worse, I get proven wrong. I know that there is going to be better days, but they arent coming soon enough. I know that there are other men out there, who will love me for me , but I dont want other men.
idk.
I am afraid of whats to come.
but im sick of prolonging it, and just ready for a new start to life.
I just hope I will be given the love that I so long to have, I hope for someone to love and care for me as much as I care for my husband.
I hope to have a bright future ahead of me, and not alot of hard obstacles in the way (though I know i will. isnt losing my son and husband enough?!)
I feel so much older then 19 years old.
I feel like I have endured more pain then anyone should have to go through,
expecially at my age.
watching your son die.
and your marriage fall apart.

This will only make me stronger.
This will only make me a better wife in the future.
This will only make me a better mother in the future.
This will only make me a better person.

In memory

2009-08-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

I made this shadow box in memory of my baby boy, his urn is in the bottom corner

When it rains it POURS

2009-08-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

I dont have much to say today.

yesterday was our sons service,

after my husband told me he wants a divorce.

I feel like I keep getting kicked when im down.

I pray that iam given the strength to deal with losing everything.

Gone

2009-07-31T09:05:00.000-07:00

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you,

The day God took you home

This part of a poem I found really gets me every time. It takes the words right from my own mouth, this is exactly how I feel, every day since he has gone, I feel like a part of me is gone, dead, Not a small part either, I feel like the majority of myself is gone, and Im a walking shell. Half the time I feel nothing, Just confusion, I feel like the word "Why" is repeating over and over in my mind, and that is it. And then I picture the moment I saw Jordan laying on the bed after he was born, and I lose it, Its aweful, The only thing I can remember CLEARLY in my mind, is the moment I gave birth, I jumped up quickly to catch a glimpse of him, and I saw him on the bed moving. I cant remember his face when I held him, except when I look at his pictures, But I remember this, and It almost haunts me. Everytime I picture it, I start shaking my head franticly. Im sure I look crazy. But I dont want to picture it. Because I remember the second I saw him like that I lost it, I knew I couldnt help him, I knew the moment I saw him, that it would be a matter of minutes before he would be gone, and there was absolutley nothing I could do, he was moving, he was alive, then they put him in my arms, they asked me if I wanted to hold him until he passed away, and he no longer moved like he did when he was first delivered. Or maybe that was dream. But i remember seeing his mouth moving, like he was trying to breathe, I remember begging the doctors at that moment to help him, and they said it was "spasms" I dont believe it. My husband told me he held onto our fingers, part of me remembers it, I remember saying it when it happened, but like i said all I can PICTURE and SEE in my mind is him on the bed, everything else is pretty blurry.

Im growing angry and resentful towards my husband. He doesnt want a baby, I dont see his mind changing, and I feel that he is very insensative. He is soon to deploy, and all he can talk about is coming back with 40k, and buying a new car for himself. Then next deployment, its a new bike, (because the 10k bike he bought not even a year ago isnt good enough anymore)

as for me, forget about it, he does the time, what I want doesnt matter, I see him talk about spending 40k and all that comes to my mind is, he said if we had the money to be financially ready for a baby, we could have one, well thats enough money to start a family, but its all going to a new car. Why is it what he wants in life is ALWAYS first? ALWAYS. I dont need a new car, I dont need fancy things, I dont want any of those things, all I want is to hold Jordan again, I cant, Ill never get that back, all I could want other then that is to have another baby to hold.

But im never going to get that either

what I want doesnt matter.

ahh.

2009-07-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

Im pretty much at a loss for words today, I dont know what to say, I have a tons of different emotions going on right about now, but getting them out, writing them down isnt easy right now for some reason, i just can not find the words to say.

I called ACS yesterday trying to look into getting a grant to help us with the costs of our service for Jordan, as we are 100% broke.
the said no.
BUT, said if on the BC or DC it said our son was alive (in which he was) we will be given 10,000$ for life insurance.

usually when your told your going to get a big amount of money you get super excited and plan everything your going to buy..

not me.

IDC about the money.
and almost feel sick that I will be making money off of my sons death.

idk how to feel about it, It will be nice to have some money, but Im NOT excited about it, given the circumstances.

idk.

tomorrow we leave for the beach,
at first I was excited.
but, we will only be staying one day,
and his million or so family members will be there.

I dont see myself ever having a vacation ALONE with my husband.
he is too much of a mommas boy.

and I am even more upset that he has plans to go to a concert after our sons service.
so I know that the whole ceremony will be rushed, because he has BETTER things to do with his time.
That day is going to be very hard for me.
and my husband wont be there for me =) how fabulous.

he has tons of plans.
non of which include me.

so this isnt really a vacation.

not for me.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.

2009-07-23T07:22:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of you last night, But for the life of me I can not remember it.

all I CAN remember is waking up in the middle of the night in tears.

EVERY night I fall asleep, I wonder to myself if this is just a nightmare, THIS CAN NOT be REAL. This CAN NOT be happening to ME.

I fall asleep thinking this everynight, only to wake up the next morning, NOT pregnant.

NO movement inside of me, 15 lbs thinner, bags under my eyes. Not the person I was before, just 2 weeks ago. I feel like someone else has taken over my body.

This IS reality.

When will I accept it?

I hate when people tell me that "Everything happens for a reason" I know they dont mean to upset me, I know they only have the best intentions. But really I find that to be one of the worst things to say. My husband says it everyday, I just cant find the "reasons" behind my son not being here, sure my husband is deploying in a few months, sure at the time our marriage was def not the greatest and we were fighting alot. BUT REALLY. There is and never will be a good enough reason as to why my son was taken from me. and it irks me everytime my husband says it. I would have been a good mom.

(I will admit to telling myself over and over this happened for a reason, but i just get mad at myself)

Part of Me...I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.I think of you in silence. I often say your name.
But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart.
I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place, no one can ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone.
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
-Author unknown

I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I've cried.

2009-07-22T05:24:00.001-07:00

After Loosing Jordan, I KNEW that I had to get a tattoo in his memory. I dont think it was even a week later. Luckily I am blessed with a friend whose boyfriend is a tattoo artist and he did it at a great price, though price was not an importance to me with this peice, but it helped me get it asap. I love it, and plan to get another peice in his memory as soon as I get the money. My body is going to be a memorial I swear it. =) I will never in my life forget my beautiful little boy. His foot prints will always be close to me.

and I told myself a long time ago that nothing would ever be tattooed on my forearm. WELL looks like I went against that. Its the only place I wanted it, I wanted it to be somewhere where everyone could see it. This is something I never want to hide (besides at work) and Im very proud to have it. Yesterday was a hard day for me, I dont exactly know why. Maybe because It is all fresh on my mind. Its still very hard for me, and it bothers me that it doesnt seem to be as hard on my husband, It seemed to bother him the first few days, but now he is right back to where he was before, and when I ask him, he is very positive saying things like "Everything happens for a reason, This wasnt meant to happen for us right now" It just kills me. I wish I could look at it like that, but I cant. I find myself constantly holding my stomach, and crying almost instantly. I SHOULD be pregnant right now, I SHOULD be feeling him move right now. I wonder how big my stomach would be right now, and although I was always worried about gaining weight, I wish It was big right now, I wish I had him there, I dont even care about the weight, the pain or birth, being uncomfortable while pregnant, I want it all back. I want him back, I feel guilty for ALREADY wanting another baby. IDK why but I feel like having another one will help ease the pain for me, and I will feel like Im getting him back in a way. But my husband doesnt want one. Never again. That too, Kills me, hurts me, and confuses me. I knew before Jordan that I wanted a child someday, But not until I was pregnant with him, and I held him in my arms, did I know it was something I HAVE to have in my life, its something I NEED to have in my life. Part of me wants to leave my husband, because I feel that he is selfish, he knew before we married that I wanted kids, and he told me time and time again that it was something he wanted with me too. Then once we married, and moved to his first duty station, he changed his mind. He never wanted kids. We got pregnant with Jordan, and he was terrified. But as I got further and further into my pregnancy he was excited. He cant deny that, He was calling everyone bragging about his little boy. I feel like maybe he is just afraid right now, so I dont want to leave. I love him so much. He has had 3 children, 2 with a previous g/f, . Both twins, One passed away a little after a year, and then jordan. He has lost two children, So I can imagine being afraid, so at the same time I feel very selfish, for wanting it so badly. What if we get pregnant again someday, and it happens again?? Im terrified. But I want to try again, I want to have the love that I felt and feel for jordan again. But I dont want to lose another child. My husband said that he wants another kid someday, but just not right now (he changes his mind alot, saying he does want one, and then that he doesnt) I can understand, We just went through this horrible experience, and Im still trying to recovor, as im sure he is too, whether he admits it or not, and he deploys in less then 4 months? So if we have another baby, he probably wants to be here for the pregnancy, just in case, this may happen again. I dont know. Guess im trying to find reasons, trying to get in his head a little bit, I think as soon as we fix our marriage, and things are better between us (in which they have been so great lately) he will want to try again, and it will be better for the child as well. I know my husband and I fought alot, and went through so much while I was pregnant with Jordan, Maybe this was gods way of letting us know we need to get our shit straight before he gives us Jordan.

maybe he will come back to me someday.

I can not wait.

In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still

2009-07-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have never been a religious person, I have never known what to believe in, But once you lose a child, you want to believe in something so much greater. I Dont think I will ever understand gods reasoning behind taking you away from me, I'm trying to be as strong as I can right now, Because I know that you would want me to be, I cant stop looking at your pictures, I cant stop picturing you, and that night in my mind. I keep running that day through my head over and over, asking myself why I didnt go in sooner, but I dont believe that would have changed the outcome. You werent meant to come into my life right now, Again, I will never understand why. Iam thankful that god blessed me with a few moments with you. That night is such a blur, Until the moment I had you, all I could see was you, all I can remember is you, your beautiful face, your tiny hands and feet, I was given something, that others would give anything to have had. Even if for only a few minutes, I held you. I saw your face. I saw your dad and I in you. I would give anything in this world to hold you again. Im trying to be as positive as I can be. But sometimes it is so hard. I never thought I could love something or someone as much as I loved you the second you were my arms. There are absolutley no words to describe it. and I would give anything to have those feelings again.Every beautiful thing I see, every star, every butterfly , the occasional hummingbird, or every gush of wind I think of you, and its comforting. Losing you, has changed my life completley. From here on out, everything I do is for you. I want to be great for you, I want to be stronger, for you. I want to make the best out of my life, for you. You will make me love and cherish every waking moment with my future children. And when their older I can tell them about their beautiful brother, who changed mommys life. When it rains it pours, that is something I am learning to deal with. I have lost the two people in my life who meant everything to me. But again, I am trying to stay strong. Today is the first day I havent cried. And I know its because you are here with me, helping me stay strong.Death has always frightened me, But now Im not afraid. because I know that you will be there waiting for me, and I will get to see you and hold you again. Thank you for coming into my life, even if for only awhile.I Lost my son two weeks ago tomorrow.

Two weeks ago, my life changed completley, and I will never be the same, Nor will I ever be able to look at life the same way again.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe in god, I am a good person, and have never did any harm to anyone, but I have just had to endure the most painful experience, while others get away with everything. Its not right, Nor is it fair, expecially since I wanted my son more then anything, and others do everything just to lose theirs. It makes me sick to see pregnant women, smoking, using drugs, or drinking, and ending up with healthy, living children, when I did everything by the books, I did all I could to keep myself and my son healthy, and yet he doesnt survive.

It doesnt seem fair to me. Im trying to see the "brighter light", but its hard to. Im trying to be positive and try to come up with reasons why god thought I wasnt ready to be a mother, or Jordan wasnt meant to be here, But I cant understand, and I never will.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I remember calling my mom crying hysterically. I was terrified. More so of what my husband would say, then being scared of having a child. My husband didnt want kids,athough I did. When he came home and I broke the news to him, he took it surprisingly well. and comforted me through my tears. Though in the weeks and months to come he became more stressed and scared. At my first doctors appt we saw Jordan!

I was 10 weeks pregnant,

but after seeing the ultrasound I fell in love, and I could tell that my husband did too. We both immediatley thought It was a boy, and from then on out called the baby "he" and "him", though we didnt mean to. We both wanted a girl, but had that feeling it was a boy.

a few weeks later we had a little scare and I went to the er.

another ultrasound was taken, and we fell in love all over again.

12 weeks and 3 days, and he was already sucking his thumb, and was the cutest little baby, and although we spent all night in the ER, my husband was excited. All we could talk about then on out was how cute our baby was. And how we hoped it was a girl, But would be happy with either as long as he/she was happy (but we KNEW he was a boy) once I reached 15 weeks, everything seemed to slow down, because I was soo anxious to find out the sex of our baby. Finally when the day came I was sooo excited, and so was he.. and of course we were right.. we were having a BOY!!I thought I would have been dissappointed, but I wasnt at all. I was SO excited to have a baby boy, and I was SO happy to see that my husband, who never wanted kids, was so excited to have our little boy too.

a week and 5 days later, I felt crappy at work all day,and finally just had to go home early.

I had been feeling pressure at work, but I didnt think anything of it, because I had felt similar feelings weeks before, and all was just fine. Soon after I got home I started having sharp pains in my pelvic area and lower back, but I tried laying down and brushing them off. I figured they were BH contractions if anything, I couldnt be going into labor at 5 months. Hours went by, and I still did nothing, tried to take a shower, but had to get out, by now every pain had me falling to the floor in pain, but I still tried to get in bed, bc I knew my husband would be upset, bc he had to go to the feild and would be getting less then 5 hrs of sleep as it was. But I couldnt stand it any longer and told him I needed to go to labor and deivery. He was mad, just as I thought he would be, because he thought I was exaggerating. We got to to hosptial and they hooked me up to everything, keeping track of Jordans heartrate and such, the nurse came in telling me I wasnt having contractions, so I felt relieved.

she later came in to tell me I WAS having contractions and CLOSE together, they then checked to see if I was dialated, and sure enough I was, and already 8cm. (though they didnt tell me that then) They told me there was a possibility of me delivering that night, and even after hearing that, I didnt think it would happen. I ended up delivering Jordan at 2:30 am, July 6. Giving birth knowing there was nothing that they could do to save your child was tramatizing, But holding him while he died in my arms, knowing there was nothing I could do to save him, was worse. I felt helpless. and I cant stop picturing him in my mind. He was beautiful. He had mommys nose, and looked like daddy otherwise. It was crazy how much he looked like us already.

he was perfect.

and I will think about him everyday.

I hope this pain gets easier. I dont see it happening though. Everywhere I turn, there are pregnant women, or newborn children, and I cant help but TRY to keep from crying.

It doesnt help that my husband is back to "NOT EVER WANTING CHILDREN"

when I, after holding Jordan, want a child more then anything.