been missing lately.

I know its been awhile since ive posted on here. please forgive me.

a little warning though, the following will more then likely contain cussing of some sort, as well as mentions of rainbow babies. so if you are sensative to either, you may not want to read.


I have been MIA lately, between taking care of Rowan, another high risk pregnancy, and really just not being able to find the right words.
thats not to say that I havent been missing jordan though, bc I do, so very much, every second of every day.

I have been thinking alot lately, how my views on losing Jordan has changed so dramatically since the very beginning. I remember the first few days, weeks and months, constantly hearing the "everything happens for a reason" BULLSHIT.
from my husband (at the time),his family, my family, random people "looking in" who liked to think they knew the answers to everything even though they didnt have the slightest idea how it actually FELT to lose a child.
I had so many people saying it to me, and while I didnt BELIEVE it, I tried to. I tried to find reasonings why he was gone.. "well MAYBEEEE it was because "GOD" didnt want me to have Jordan with jesse (husband at the time)" is what my mother would say
yes.. my ex husband was an ass to me... yes.. we had an AWEFUL relationship EXPECIALLY after finding out I was pregnant (he didnt want to have kids with me...well guess he got his wish in a sense) but really?! my child died bc my relationship sucked?
yeah fuck that excuse or reasoning. there are thousands, maybe even millions of women who are having kid after kid, whose sperm donors are bigger peices of shit then my ex husband ever was, or could be. BUT MY SON had to die bc my relationship wasnt perfect?!?!

okay.. now you see why I feel differently now.
bc thats the biggest crock of shit ive ever heard... but really its just the beginning of a bunch of other bullshit reasonings as to why others believe my son isnt here.
the rest, I dont even want to get in to.

NO "REASON" will ever be good enough.

here it is two years later. I have a beautiful rainbow boy who turns one in december. and a little girl due in december as well. So.. that HAS to mean im cured now... right?!
yeah fuck off if you think that because it isnt even the slightest bit true.


I recently recieved a messege from an "old friend" if you want to call her that. (the old friend whose boyfriend called me yelling at me, calling me morbid and sick just hours after I gave birth and watched my son die in my arms.. all bc I accidentally sent HER a picture of Jordan, when it was supposed to go to my cousin)
but anyways.. this messege went on to say how much she LOVED me, Always will, always had, (ya know, blah blah bullshit bullshit kinda stuff) but that I needed to "STOP LIVING IN THE PAST" and that I would never be able to fully dedicate myself to my children that are alive, until I put my DEAD sons "sweet sweet" memory in the past.
(lets add the sweet sweet, or precious or beautiful or whatever pathetic words she threw in there to sound like less of a bitch) basicly telling me to FORGET him, but then when I pointed that fact out... she gets pissed and says she never told me to forget him? (what part of what I just wrote doesnt suggest that?)

she apparently reads my blog too... ( waves!! HIIII)

I wont go into any more depth of the messege, other then the fact that I lost it, started bawling bc I was so fucking pissed off and hurt yet again by this."person" who USED to mean so much to me.

this is just a memo, to No one person in particular.. just ANYONE who thinks I should be "over" the loss of my son.. or I should stop thinking about him, talking about him ect ect..

I may have one beautiful son who is alive in my arms, and a beautiful little girl in my womb.. I love them more then words can say. I cherish them more then you could ever fathom... but they DO NOT take the place of Jordan. nor will they ever
I didnt lose a fucking PUPPY, or a set of keys. I lost a child.

If you have kids,, lets chose one of yours to die.. speed up time to two years down the road. and please tell me your fucking over it. ( yeah thats what I thought)

if you dont have kids, have never been pregnant, or even know what its like to love a child more then yourself, more then anything on this earth.. then please spare me the bullshit talk where you think you know whats best for me and my kids.
bc until you have a child of your own, you will never know or understand the love I have for my children (LIVING or DEAD)



to those who remember my baby boy jordan with me.. thank you.
to those of you who love ALL of my babies.. thank you

Sharing Rowan..

::warning rainbow baby pictured and mentioned::

I just had to share Jordans little brother, and post a picture of them both

and here is little brother!

they have the same nose =)

::Triggers::

I have been neglecting blogging terribly, but its hard for me to put anything into words anymore.



Dear Jordan,

CONGRATS BIG BOY!! you are officially a big brother!! I think you had a thing or two to do with getting your brother here,there were so many close calls where I almost lost him, but didnt. thank you big boy. Dont think for a minute that you are being replaced, or that my love for you has changed, because it hasnt. not in the slightest. Ur brothers daddy and I were driving in the car the day I got discharged from the hospital, and mommy heard a song that reminded her of you, and I couldnt keep the tears from flowing. I will always miss you and love you. you will always be mommys first born, and first baby boy. Others may have forgotten, but I havent. I keep looking at your little brother wondering if you would have looked similar, you both had the same nose I know that =) which makes me smile. I wish more then anything that you were here with us sharing the excitement of this new life. I miss you and love you more then I can say.

<3 Mommy and Rowan love you Jordan, so very much

::triggers:: We made it

I dont like to mention my rainbow pregnancy on here often, BUT I realized one of my last posts was asking for prayers for us, that we made it to 30 weeks. I just wanted to write an update letting those who kept us in your prayers that me and little man have made it to and passed 30 weeks!! passed by only 2 or 3 days! but 2 or 3 days passed 30 weeks non the less =P
he is doing fine and so am I! I am praying it all continues to go well.
I am starting to get VERY anxious

The beauty of sufficient grace giveaway

http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2010/10/huge-my-forever-child-giveaway.html
go ahead and head on over and enter for a chance to win one of many of her beautiful give aways.

PRAY FOR ROWAN AND I

i try not to talk about my rainbow here as much as possible but today i am bc we need the extra prayers. i got a emergency cerclage at 20 weeks, ill be 25 weeks friday. today i had a drs appt and my cervix is funneling close to the stitch, and i had to star steroid shots to help mature rowans lungs. my dr doesnt see me making it further then 30weeks its our major goal im just praying i at least make it that far.

rowan has so much love from so many already.

i have to bring my baby boy home

Day 11

A photo of me recently and how I feel about seeing it now ~

This is me about a month ago, in the hospital, pregnant with my rainbow. During this time, I was on the computer reading the hundreds of comments of support from my BLMS, Ann in particular making a photo, that everyone used as their default, and she kept updating everyone on my progress, feeling the love everyone has for rowan was wonderful. but at the same time I was a nervous wreck, in this picture it was after I had an emergency cerclage placed, I was sore, I was scared.

Looking at this picture today, I feel thankful. Had I not gone in that day, I would not be almost 25 weeks pregnant with my rainbow. I would have lost him too. I feel like my baby boy Jordan was letting me know I needed to go to the hospital, looking back on why I went in, my cramps were really not that bad, at all!! but something told me something was wrong. so I went in, when my bf and I got to the hospital, we got right in front of the door, and I told him we needed to turn around, I had a drs appt in the morning and I was being silly and over reacting, we turned back around and headed to the car, then I felt like someone was tugging me the other way and I had to go in, thankfully I did, because had that dr not checked my cervix and found how soft it was, I would have went to my next appt, and been sent home with no cerclage because my cervix was still measuring right on track when I got the cerclage, but the fact was how soft my cervix was which was a concern. So I look at this picture now with a smile. and Am so very thankful for the 5 days I was in the hospital, as I now have hope to bring home my 2nd boy =) my rainbow, Rowan.